Why didn't they notice.

As a child of the 90s, I had a yakbak recorder. My dad recorded a cute little message saying how much he loved me and to have a good day at school. I remember a friend recorded over his message and I was SO ANGRY even though it was an equally nice message.

Why didn’t they notice?

My dad often had to work on the weekends he had visitation of me. He would often give me the option of coming along or staying to hang out with my grandma. Even as a teenager, every time I choose not to go with him, I cried as he pulled off wondering if I would ever see him again.

Why didn’t anyone notice?

I remember being four years old and terrified of people coming into my house at night. If Santa can do it can’t others figure it out too? I followed my mom around the entire house checking every door and window to make sure it was locked. She told me Santa had to knock to be let in. I was still unsure. 

Why didn’t she notice?

I was about 15 years old and a talking back sarcastic brat. My mom asked me why. I told her because she talked about stuff that I was worried about and it irritated me. She asked me for examples and told me to write down all the things I was worried about. I wrote out two pages of worries, most being about my dad not being able to work or pay child support so my mom not allowing me to see him, his gout and ingrown toe nails acting up, my moms work getting bomb threats, and the Sun exploding because it’s a star (I kept that in the back of my head from Biology class).

I was 15… why didn’t they notice?!

On 9/11 I was 11 years old. When I found out about the Pentagon attack, I freaked out and tried to contact my dad. He worked in DC a lot. I couldn’t get in touch with him. I had a full on meltdown and was unable to function. 

I guess everyone struggled that day, but shouldn’t they have noticed?

Freshman year in high school, required PE class, drill sergeant bought in for circuit training exercises. He yelled, as drill sergeants do. I had a panic attack, ended up in the nurse’s office, breathing into a paper bag, and had to be picked up early.

How did they not notice?

Seventeen years old my dad died. I became obsessed with thinking I had all those bad feelings because I was having “premonitions” of losing him. It was my fault because I’d felt it coming for years. It was my fault he was alone when he died. It was all my fault. I gained at least 30lbs that year.

Why didn’t anyone notice?

Looking back now, with my 20/20 hindsight and chemically balanced brain, I see. I was broken. No one noticed. No one noticed but me. That was all my anxiety. All along. As far back as I can remember I was broken. And no one noticed but me.